星期日, 1月 27, 2008

bonjour n i love u too

我一定要寫關於細細跟所有令人不明所以的經歷,當我在前往機場的路時,我想,我一定要寫。當我又在機場,獨自離開,前往相同的目的地,在路途上前進而腦袋靜下來,往事紛紜地略過並探訪,一直不願記起不願回想的自己。
關於葉細細的故事原來是真的,黃碧雲的細細,她所書寫的痛和流血,很美麗的女子們,她們的命運,她們用媚惑去把玩男子的命運,她們被自己的媚惑所把玩,都是真的。或許我曾經讀到過細細的照片,然後你還問我她美不美,或許我曾偷看過你的短訊,發現名為細細的女子,用疊字的稱呼喚自己作,細細,細細,叫你起床,而你甚至還解釋過說,細細不過是同事而已,名為細細的女子,負責要你準時報到。漸漸我也混淆了究竟是我真記得,或是因為黃碧雲,還是經她引述後,憑空捏造這些章節來,但依稀隱若,是有這些情節發生過的,而我當時一定是因為相信而盲目了,瞎了眼,至真相由另一些人告知,一而再,再而三。
你總喜歡親口問我,她們,美不美,你所喜歡的她們,為什麼要親口印證呢?如果我答美,你是心安理得的跟她們發生關係吧,而如果我答不,對結果也沒有任何分別,而究竟,你有沒有問過其他女子,我美不美呢?而她們又是以怎樣的心情去回答?我曾經的天真可笑得令人要笑出聲來,每一次我大概都是認真地客觀地回答的,然後心裡起了疙瘩,可惜第六靈感始終從來沒戰勝過感情,笨拙得可笑五個字,去程時我不得不這樣去評價自己。或者你就是看中我這一點吧,事情就是這麼簡單。
那天我以為你跟她,原來你跟細細,還有不知名的,在慶祝,還拍了憑證去讓人核對惡劣/快慰的程度,幸好我沒能看到那個証明,如果我看到,我是抓破頭都不會明白,真實的你究竟是那一個,或者我仍是會氣得震動,手不能自己的抖起來,像每一次發現秘密一樣,每一個,就算過去了就算再生為人,我還是徹底地不能明白何以一個人能收藏起陰暗面,然後以純真的笑臉待我,何以抱完一千人後,可以,屌,再用相同的手,抱我,何以我竟然能盲目天真到不能,後來還得以你給我的一個字評價,賤。這個字,其他人有資格去擔當嗎,但願我是真的賤格如此,很多事情我便以後都不用明白,不會淌血,如果夠賤,就大概能聳聳肩,who fuck cares,收線,我不過是氣自己,仍然不懂得回應,我生氣自己想到細細以及所有女子的事情,還是呆若木雞的,被罵,被一個宇宙級賤格的人罵賤格。
我需要多麼的堅強,才能在這間房間無穿無爛離開,以致我現在回來,一個人入睡一個人醒來,還是害怕叫我發瘋的經歷曾經在這裡發生,所有事情,心情,一字一語,當時我是怎樣過,我不願意再記起,但奧修說,一定要懂得自如地穿越過往,才能將過往拋開,如果我按捺著,細細便會反彈,所有事情都會反彈,於是我接受自己曾經愛過一名不知應怎形容的人,接受中間的差異,接受這段關係,很多後來的真相,感激從這個人這段關係裡學會的事情。
我憎惡的,只怕從來並不是人不忠於我,而是男人相同地不肯擔當真相的懦弱,又要做好人,又要身癢,狂呼痛的才是真愛的那份幼稚,不懂得面對自私和慾望,保護自己而圓謊這些所作所為,實在叫人嘔吐,所以我當然會講,幹了錯事隱瞞就以為對大家都好,不如今次認了鬧企定打又企定,以後都不作相同的事是正經。
細細們,便留給下位女子吧,誰還需要瞎粗心,我又衰天真想別人好,現在學懂了實在不用多事,只管好好經營自己手中的人與事,加倍珍惜。
這便是我與細細的事,它將永遠纏繞我,但它的存在,叫我更覺得,感恩世界的美好。好像真愛是會較岩時間致電看你有沒有安全到達,它是首先扮法國人bonjour然後受突如其來的三字真言,真愛並不是痛卻不能離開,不相信,懷疑,死唔斷氣,在真切的關係裡,距離只會帶來更多窩心,並不是眼淚鼻涕爆爆爆。
同一間房的經歷如此不同,我便知道了,讓時間讓我慢慢學習,始終有天,會不再偏執。

5 則留言:

匿名 說...

today, i saw the footsteps i made in the snow. perhaps they mean nothing, but a simple documentation of the path i had taken; but nonetheless, they have made a mark on the earth. perhaps, they mean nothing to me, now that i have safely arrived home, but they may be making life easier, or harder, for somebody else out there.

it is the kindness of human beings, that when we see a stranger in need of our help, we offer a hand. even to a stranger. so no doubt we should at least care about the people we have crossed paths with, or had once loved. because that kindness should never go away.

mean good. whatever happens, thats what really matters. have a great time with your boy =) and keep warm out there. x

Son 說...

guess we share the same experience, and feelings. first i was moaning that i dun have a chance to react, to fight back. but then i (we) know, when we can really let go, i (we) dun need to react. or react with no reaction and be indifferent. i am learning and i hope you would get to that stage soon too.

sheungyee 說...

son,

i'm learning, though a bit too slow, but i'm sure i(we) will eventually have that wisdom one day =)

dor 說...

how's going there babe?
somehow we should thank those who hurted us so bad as without this kinda experience we wouldnt have realised how fortunate we now are. but dun carry too much upon yourself.. when it becomes light you'll feel the toughness and bravery inside the innermost you.
take care dear :)

sheungyee 說...

Dear dorie,

How r u how r u? I'm fine except the coldness, n the super weak heater in my room which only emits heat that reaches 10cm the furthest @_@.
As u see i'm moving forward slowly, bit by bit, writing helps me to sort out chaotic emotions n achieve a calmer state of mind, so dun bother about what i write. i always become better in the end =)
Missing u gals, n by the way, give me your add! I have Iris's but I dun have urs.

take care too u tender sweetheart, hee.